The Diagnosis

Three weeks ago the doctor called me to say that the radiologist reported that I had a tumor; a "brain tumor" I think he said.  Not to worry, though, since it was small and benign.  Because the tumor was located close to the facial nerve he believed that it was probably the cause of my left-sided facial paralysis.

Surgery came into mind, and perhaps an inherited tendency for tumors, not all of which would be so benign.  It sort of bothered me that, because the doctor was going out of town, our next appointment wouldn't be for another three weeks.  Thus started my odyssey to a psychological land called "The Land of Ideas About Death."

One enters this "land" because information exists which can't be ignored, and which starts a sequence of thoughts which sometimes lead to the idea of death.  These thoughts are all hypothetical, of course.  But they can't be disregarded.   Any one of them may be that "Truth Which Stands Still," while our perception of it wanders about as new information becomes available.

One of my reactions was to begin writing; in earnest, this time.  Even though I was physically weak, I managed to develop some ideas that were in me.  I found that merely making a mental committment of sitting down at the keyboard creates a contact with ideas ready to come out.  The ideas are there, waiting to be "tapped into" and put into words.

I read Norman Cousins' book, "Anatomy of An Illness," and began to adopt some of his suggested attitude changes and practices.  I resumed taking vitamins, and improved my diet.  I began to take time to appreciate simple things that should not be taken for granted.  One of my essays dealt with the idea that it is too simplistic to state that a person is either alive or they're dead; rather, while a person is alive they undergo variations in "aliveness."  And I sought to do things that would boost my level of "aliveness."

Overall, the quality of my life has improved because of these thoughts.  And my writing has gotten "on track."  It didn't occur to me to thank the doctor.  He was just a messenger, conveying sober news to me.  It was the "reality of my condition" that was creating these changes in me.

Or was it?

Today, after my long-delayed appointment with the doctor, I should be mad at him!   Iinstead, I want to thank him.  He played an unwitting role in these changes.  It turns out that he must have confused me with another patient!  Or perhaps he misheard the radiologist's informal phone report last month.  The radiologist's written report states that there is NO evidence of a tumor!  It cautions that the CAT scan cannot be used to rule out a certain type of tumor in a specific location (near the facial nerve).  And at this time the tumor theory is only a remote possibility!

Relieved?  Yes!  But grateful for the lesson!  My "reality" for the past three weeks was incorrect; yet I thought and felt exactly the same as if that reality had been correct.  I found out what it will feel like, and what I will think about, when the time comes, assuming such a time will come, that a true diagnosis with dire possibilities is ever delivered to me.  I have been changed by the experience, and I am thankful for the changes.  As Nietzsche wrote, quoting an old soldier's maxim, "that which does not kill you makes you stronger."  I recommend that everyone have such an experience!

Internal and External Reality

The reality I was reacting to is sometimes called "internal reality," or Ri.  "True" reality is called "external reality," or Re.  In general, the more we live, and the more we explore and learn, the better is the conformance of Ri with Re.  I like to think of them as surface shapes; imperfections in Ri are "bumps" that don't exist in Re.  Eventually, we like to believe, the untrue "bumps" get removed, and as one surface conforms better to the other we are becoming "wise."

But I became wiser when a "bump" was placed in Ri by mistake.  That "bump" caused me to change for the better.  What can this experience mean?

Two things.  First, consider the fact that I will die someday.  Really!  Of course it's easy to consider this about someone else, but not ourself.  If this fact is represented by a contour somewhere in Re, then perhaps I lack the corresponding contour in Ri.  The "bump" I mistakenly created had the approximate shape of this contour, and it had effects on other parts of my thinking that the correct contour would have had.

Second, in philosophy a distinction is made between a person's "philosophy of reality" (PR) and their "philosophy of life" (PL).  A scholar may have a well developed PR and an unhappily inadequate PL.  When the competences are reversed, we say that "ignorance is bliss."  What happened to me is that a PR imperfection improved PL.

A person's Philosophy of Reality is really another term for Ri.  There is no equivalent analogy for PL.  There is no "external" and true PL.  PLs are arbitrary.  They are human inventions, and there is no objective way to measure the worth of one PL in relation to another.  PLs can be aesthetically pleasing, but their goodness and beauty are subjective impressions created behind the eye of the beholder.  They do not exist outside human brains.

The Random Origins of Wisdom

My experience has taught me that wisdom can be gained in the most unexpected ways.  The wisdom I reached for, and have been improved by, existed within me all the time.  It is theoretically possible that I could have played a trick on myself, like a "thought experiment."  I could have conjured up a hypothetical illness that would have set in motion the same chain of thoughts, feelings, and re-valuations -  that in fact occurred.

I will no doubt visit this "land" again.  It probably will happen as the result of some future visit to the doctor's office.  It need not be that way, but I picture it happening like that.

Troublesome medical news could come at any time, to anybody.  Just the acknowledgment of this should start any thinking person on a journey similar to the one I just took in the Land of Ideas About Death.  And the wisdom that I gained by taking this journey could be anybody's for the imagining.

You, dear Reader, are invited to take this journey!  And if you start whenever you're ready, it won't happen.  So, start now!
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This site opened:  October 30, 1998.   Last Update: October 30, 1998